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Post by tenalleth on Oct 28, 2009 10:18:49 GMT -5
[bg=1c2317][atrb=width,503,true][atrb=border,0,true] Character Name: Tenalleth Albriego
Pronounced: [Te-nal-leth Al-brie-ay-go]
Gender: Stallion
Age: 5
Appearance: Tenalleth has somewhat of a long-ish body, a little longer than average, as his head extends further than some other horses. His stocky frame helps him with his balance while running long distance, though his weight keeps him from sprinting gracefully and evenly. He also isn't able to manage sharp nor quick turns, though he is fine running in a straight line.
He is able to stand strong in harsh weather and sometiems even manage to travel some distance, while others can only hold on and stay still, due to his stocky body. His hide is a mix of brown and white patches across his back and over the rest of his body.
His left flank bears a scar from a nasty fight 2 years back, in a skirmish with the lead stallion of a traveling herd from a very long ways away. With some help, he came away alive, luckily.
Personality: Sometimes he drifts off wandering, lost in his own thoughts. It seems to be some version of the human 'meditating', though no one knows what goes on in his mind at those times. This results in a temporary lack of interest in his herd, but eventually does return.
His empathies fall into 3 catagories. Mild, neutral, and strong. He feels very little at times, and tries not to disturb himself with the problems of others, though he acts like he does, and he leaves those to another important herd member. But when he does feel, he feels very strongly, strong love, strong hate, strong loathing, strong sympathy. It has to be strong to be able to move him.
His shorter height has no effect whatsoever on his leadership, however. It is his experience and charm among his subjects that has him favored and admired as lead.
Rp Sample:
The icy winter wind caressed his back, lifting his mane seemingly effortlessly and tickling the back of his neck. His nostrils flared, catching in them the scent of countless. Some he disregarded as useless and unimportant, casting them out of his way until he found the ones he wanted. Never before had he been sent on this kind of task before, and was eager to complete it and impress his higher.
The track he sought to take was rugged and not at all appealing. However, he had no choice, as the scent led up that way. The mountain air was crisper and cleaner up here, but still, the scent he was following was accompanied with a smell of fear, sweat, and determination. Along the side of the path were crushed plants, trod underfoot by passing mammals. Their sharp scents also adding to the confusion, though he ignored them easily.
But for now, it was just a matter of staying on track and of course, not slipping.
As Tenalleth walked along that somewhat treacherous trail, his thoughts wandered, though somehow his brain also managed to be able to function while thinking aimlessly. Somehow, he was subconsciously taken away from the steep edges and icy spots.
His "master", as he had to call the old stallion, as a captive. No, ha-ha, he no longer had to call him that, alone in the wilderness. No, not alone. Meidre, he could sense, wasn't too far away. And she, the old one had promised evilly, could keep him company. But, only if he could bring the runaway mare back for proof, then, he would set Tenalleth free and he and Meidre could do as they pleased. He remembered one more warning that bothered him. It wasn't fair at all. "If I don't see you with her back here in two moons I will personally come with help and hunt you down, and make you captive forever" he had said, chuckling to himself.
Tenalleth shook his head, tossing his mane into even more disarray, which was already mussed from the cold northern wind.
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Other: N/A
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Post by `` OWNER on Oct 28, 2009 20:06:27 GMT -5
I can already tell you the scar won't work. None of the native stallions have come across a war horse yet, because the war horses didn't become 'wild' and come in contact with native stallions 'til now. So please edit that. 'battling a skirmish' doesn't make sense either, because a skirmish is a battle.. so he battled a battle?
His hide of mix brown and white spot body helps him stand strong in harsh weather and sometimes even manage some distance while others can only hold on and stay still.
How does the colour of his body help him with harsh weather and manage with distance? Makes no sense.
though his weight keeps him from going too far too fast
Going too far too fast? So if he goes slow he can go far, but if he goes fast he can't? I think you mean he has low endurance, so please change that to be a bit more understandable.
All lead horses (war or native) need to set an example for other characters, and considering you're staff you have more of a reason to set a good example. I know this is a writing in progress, but I wanted to stop you before you finished... it is technically still a 'wip' so.. ya.
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Post by shinizel on Oct 28, 2009 21:35:36 GMT -5
oh-ok. thx for the insight-i'll fix them
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Post by `` OWNER on Oct 28, 2009 21:41:19 GMT -5
No problemo!
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Post by `` OWNER on Oct 28, 2009 21:58:33 GMT -5
His stocky body with a hide of mix brown and white spot helps him stand strong in harsh weather and sometimes even manage to travel some distance while others can only hold on and stay still.
Still confusing. A paint horse would not have any more resistance to cold weather than a white horse. A black or brown horse - purely - would. Try saying more than his dark blotches help him to attract heat, while his muscles help keep him insulated.
Weight also would not keep a horse from sprinting. Weight, or his 'stocky build', would decrease how agile/graceful he is, but every horse is capable of sprinting unless your horse has an injury.
Also, try and include something about his 'long body and neck' other than just describing it. How does it help him? How does it hold him back? A long body means turns may not be as tight, and thickly treed forests would be hard to navigate. Obviously with his body more spread out he would be able to stay warm in cold weather, having more surface area for the sun to penetrate (erm, bit of college talking in their. sorry x0
Skirmishing I'm not sure is a word. I could be wrong, but I know it sounds wrong in that sentence. Try Skirmish, or just fight.
The part, in his personality, about his lead mare having to take over is not a personality trait. It's just unneeded information. Try and organize it, also, in a way that better expresses the positives and negatives about his personality.
Also, the site is literate (or at least, we try). You rp fine, but you have problems with grammar and punctuation. I'd like to encourage you to pay more attention to commas and run on sentences. As I prefer the site to be more of an opportunity to help role-players, rather than restrict them, this will effect nothing more than occasional posting from me pointing on problems with your posting. Try running it through Microsoft word, or even read your typing outloud which will point out mistakes much faster than microword.
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Post by tenalleth on Oct 28, 2009 22:04:31 GMT -5
ok.
thanks. I thought i was clear on the first point-but i meant he isn't as light as others...so he can stay firm...
I have to brb real quick. Fixing l8r!
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Post by `` OWNER on Oct 28, 2009 22:08:03 GMT -5
But see, you know what you mean though - others don't.
It's like writing a poem; when you say something abstrat, you know what you mean, but readers don't always and take it differently.
It's fine, I'm off so you get a break from me. I'll try and check this by morning, otherwise it will be tomorrow night.
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Post by tenalleth on Oct 29, 2009 14:40:27 GMT -5
fixed more
but i still don't have the muse to do the sample yet
and i have to do hw
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Post by `` OWNER on Oct 29, 2009 17:45:42 GMT -5
It's much better.
And no rush on the sample post as long as it's done in a timely manner.
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Post by tenalleth on Oct 29, 2009 20:25:24 GMT -5
thankies!
and okie
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