Texas - Native Horse - Stallion

[texas]

Character Name: Texas
Pronounced: like the name of the state
Gender: Stallion
Age:2

Appearance: He has a very light build and looks like a thoroughbred a bit. He is a light buckskin color that is dappled and he has black points. He is reasonably strong and quite fast. He is very flexible but suffers from lack of experience. He has few scars because of this, and has only won one or two fights.

Personality: His is a very strict horse and make sure everything has to go his way. He makes every horse obey, whether he needs to do it physically or not. He suffered at a young life from an abusive lead stallion and his dam abandoning him. He doesn't show much affection because of this

Rp Sample:
&& The start of his First post &&

Dark smoky appendages stroked the ground as the two-beat gait rhythmically echoed around. Hard muscles rippled beneath the light bay leaf coat, the bodice of the animal camouflaging into the surrounding tree's. The coat was like dead gum leaves, yet it gleamed in the bright Spring sun. The grass was springy underfoot, grazing against the dark swords of the stallion. His nape arched as his appendages lifted high and carefree, his orbs scouring around him for threats. Auds picked no sound up, no threat to him. He stopped in his strutting display, skull lifting to locate his destination. His nares flared and he continued on his way, nape arching once more as he picked up a flowing and smooth canter. His path took him through tall pine tree's, the shadows looming as the grass sprung up around their base's, ready for Spring. He cantered, his lithe light bodice taking him meandering like a snake.


Other: N/A.

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[`` OWNER]

Pending.

and was tortured when he was younger

None of the native horses have encountered war horses until now, so he cannot have been tortured. Please change that.

He is still fairly young and suffers from it sometimes. From mares, because he hasn't reached his prime and other reasons.

I'm assuming there was supposed to be a comma after 'sometimes?' In my opinion in should read

"He is still fairly young and suffers from it sometimes from mares because he hasn't reached his prime and other reasons."

'other reasons' is also very plain and bland. Obviously he has not reached his prime - no horse yet has reached his prime, it doesn't mean he will suffer because of it. Now, at the age of 2 he will be very inexperienced in both leadership, fighting and courtship (both breeding and claiming mares) which will effect his interaction with mares.

Dark smoky appendages dug into the ground

His legs cannot dig into the ground - his hooves can.

I'm also assuming you started a second paragraph after 'gleamed' by accident?

The grass was springy under, - under what?

left,right,left, right for threats - just doesn't sound right. Try more like 'left, right and then left again for threats.'

There are a few other small things that are wrong with your role-play sample. It also seems very drug out with repitition and information that isn't needed. Considering you already have a character here I know you can role-play well, but try and pay more attention to the posts you are presenting to other people to read.

Please fix the sentences and areas I have pointed out and I will re-check your application.

[`` OWNER]

Accepted.