Jezebel-Mare-Warmare

[steph]

I have been thinking about the response and I honestly don't want to join a site that picks appart your work. I can see where you are comming from, but i just dont have the time to stress over how I wirte. I still love your plot and think this site is great but its just not for me. Thanks everyone for your help.

[`` OWNER]

Pending.

15.4 is NOT a valid horse height, and considering Moony said something to you about this on the chatbox, I would think you would have changed it. She's either 16 hands or 15.3 hands.

Her tassels also hide a scar which runs between her pools; this injury occasionally causes double vision

I can't quite comprehend how a scar between her eyes would cause double vision. I know a lot of horses that have scars between their eyes and they function perfectly fine. Now if the scar somehow came across her eye or messed up one of her eyes it may be possible, but I'm not so sure anything would cause double vision on a horse.

Ebony nostrils flare taking in your scent light ashen towers swivel with you movements, she can tell that you are uneasy. She circles you, her body tense, muscles taught against her pelt. She is hunting, picking out the strong from the weak, the bold and brave from the meek and humble. The circles become smaller constricting your paths for escape, but your body can’t move you’re entranced by this black vixen. As she comes closer you can see a faint scar across her right shoulder. The scar is thin and new, the deep grey skin is visible, ebony hairs are just starting to grow. Her actions are intimidating, and you can read nothing off of her, her movements are without warning and she is without heart. Her spice is poisonous, but it draws you in, it’s sweet and inviting. Everything about this ebony wench is seductive, but underneath she is pure bitch.

That whole thing needs to be completely re-done. You are describing her appearance, not how someone else sees her or how you want someone else to see her, or how she looks as she's trying to intimidate some other horse. The fact remains that most of her appearance is powerplaying/godmoding saying that ‘she restricts your paths of escape' and 'you want to move but can't.' It's one of those where you include killing a horse in your role-play sample to make your character seem cool or evil, and it's not. So this whole paragraph needs to be completely re-done.

Also, what is up with it’s? Why are the wierd little letters nessecary? Some of the words I couldn't even decipher. I don't know if it's caused by whatever document you typed this up on, but it's very annoying.

The black vixen was raised with a war herd, and follows their ways well

Her being half native half war I can let slide, but this I cannot. It has only been 6 months since man left, the only herds are here at Cappadocia. So there is no way she can be raised by a war herd. She was raised by man. Apparently I need to elaborate a bit more in areas on the information in this site.

The longing for blood and conflict consume the ebony’s thoughts, as it does many Warhorses, she thrives off the fear and the adrenaline. She is bitch.


I'm assuming she's one of those cliché ‘I want blood and I’m evil’ characters? Or at least that’s how she’s coming off. I don’t like it, but as long as you can role-play her without being too extreme with it, it’s fine.

She has killed parents

No, she hasn’t. I don’t know how many times I have to say ‘no killing of other horses.’ It does not make your character cool or seem any better, and it aggravates me. If you’re a war horse and you’re going back in time to re-play a battle then that’s fine as long as it’s not one of those ‘I killed every horse in sight’ type thing.

Her personality seems very contradictive. She hates mares because they are so into themselves, yet with how you have displayed this mare’s application thus far, she seems just as egotistical and conceited. I don’t know if that’s intentional, but if that be the case understand that this makes your character sort of conflictive and confusing. It would be like me saying I hate brunettes when I’m a brunette x0 I don’t hate brunettes though ^.^

The pounding of hoofs mixes with the roar of the distant thunder. Shrill calls of victory ring out, but the baritone moans of the defeated are also heard. The scent of blood and flesh is carried by the wiping winds; her nostrils widen to take in more of the scent. Pawing at the muddied earth the black warhorse, takes in the atmosphere around her. Her raven pelt is caked with mud her feathers stick to her daggers, but she takes no notice, her appearance is the last thing on her mind. Her deep umber pools scan visible area around her taking in every shape she wants to be prepared when he comes. Towers swivel picking up every sound, listing for the pound of his heavy frame. She has been waiting for this night to come, waiting for the chestnut brute to be knocked off his throne, and she was determined to be the one who brought him to his demise. She would not fail, however she knew that it would be a brutal battle that would end in at least one death. His, and if she was taken as well so be it, she was ready.

He arrived, with his head high prancing towards the seductress he was as arrogant and hot headed as ever. Her muscles tensed against her skin, she poised for battle. Her head was held high orbs fixed on the chestnut brute, he was much larger then her but her rage and determination would over power his strength. Things seemed to move in slow motion, as he drew nearer. Once again she pawed at the sloppy earth, the water splashing to her chest, her boa was arched she tossed her head. Contrary to the brutes thoughts she wasn’t backing out, he pushed the Friesian maiden to this moment. He weaved his own demise. He came to a halt a few feet away It’s not too late to save her life His tone was mocking and cocky, and she charged.

It was a blur of ebony and sorrel pelts, the battle had began. He wasn’t ready for her advancement and was knocked off balance, and he was slow to regain it. She lashed at him ivories bared thorns sunken into her skull. She found the flesh of his neck and dug in. A scream of pain and anger erupted form the stags chest, he would not be brought down by a mare. He pulled away from her grasp, losing the skin that she held on too. Blood gushed from the wound, running down the sorrel bodice. The scent of his blood drove the ebony mare wild, but it was nothing compared to the taste. The past year had been dedicated to training for this fight, and it was all too surreal that the time had come.

Charging at the vixen the brute reared his pillars slashing at the air above the beauty’s head. Not intimidated by his scale the Frisian lady rose on her own legs matching his thrash with her own. He came down with his teeth on her shoulder slicing through her skin. The wound was deep and excruciatingly painful she cried out in pain. He laughed at her backed away and charged. Quickly recovering from the shock the ebony mare charged with the stallion.

Once again slow motion took place. The two equines, both bloody and exhausted from the fight, but neither ready to give; pillars striking the earth, water hitting their already filthy carcasses, it would have made a beautiful painting. Time set in and they collided she hit him straight in the chest shattering his ribs, the impact opened her face and nearly fractured her skull. The brutes velvets parted, but no scream came his chest was too wounded. The vixen however was not, her cry was carried with the wind, it was high pitched and full of pain. The battle refrained as each beast tried to recover, the brute his breath and the vixen her vision. The mare recovered quicker and ceased the opportunity. Stumbling forward the vixen latched onto the brute’s jugular, and ripped of the surrounding skin. His blood was sweet in her mouth and helped to relive her pain. In a matter of minutes he was dead she left his body for the scavengers

So I’m not fond of most of her post being a recollection. It doesn’t really show what you yourself can do when interacting with other characters. As I gradually go through your application and comment, I only now realized you committed the crime I had before mentioned. Other’s have done the same so you’re not the only one, but claiming to kill another character – especially a stallion, and a war stallion at that – is just useless. It’ would be impossible for a war mare to kill a war stallion (in most cases, thinking stereotypically). If this was her in battle and with another mare I wouldn’t care, because you played off your character getting hurt very well (kudos. Most people fail to do that) but the fact remains that it’s not. Your War Mare is killing some war stallion for what reason? And she won? And her final attack was ripping his jugular from his throat? Horses don’t actually do that. While it’s common for a horse to protect their throat in role-play, they don’t actually aim to rip the jugular out. That area is just very sensitive and worth targeting with teeth and hooves to do some damage. So basically, your whole role-play sample needs to be completely re-done. It needs to be less of a recollection and more of a present time role-play, and without the killing of another horse.

You have a lot of grammar mistakes too. I can focus on that later after you go through and edit, but while editing, try reading your work out loud; you’ll catch a lot of errors.