Bandit Er Rih-warmare-mare

[scourge]

Character Name:Bandit Er Rih
Pronounced:Ban-dit Er Ri-h
Gender: mare
Age:4
Rank: warmare

Appearance:Slender,well built, small but fast . Long scar along her left shoulder from a previous battle.Strong clean limbs and feet.

Personality: Weaknesses: sex,power love, stupidty. Strengths: well built, wise, fearless

Rp Sample:

Bandit Er Rih

Feel it comn' in the air hear the screams from every where im addicted to the thrill its a dangerous love affiar.

A slim equine crossed the treacherous waters. It was a long river that had many different dangers none that which gave her the lightest shiver. Nothing really gave her a good shiver not like a battle would. That was a great feeling that she loved. She never new what was meant for her in life when she was young soon when she had moved herds her new claimer had taught her the basics in fighting she learned quickly and building on the little he had taught her . Now she was one of the best fighters that she new that was a mare.

Slowing picking up a extended trot she felt another on her tail. It was a mare. She snorted and kicked out with her pistons giving a warning that she was not the one to be messed with . As the flints to the ground didn't stop. She saw a line of mares and stallions cross her way of moving. One of those she new. The mare in the lead was once in her birth herd. As she had reconciled Bandit she stopped as well as the rest of the herd. She gave a snort. It wasn't friendly it was asking for something. Bandit Er Rih stood tall she had no fear of what this mare wanted. Probably Bandit behind her in her right league. She would never degrade her self. She went with nothing less it didn't matter was situation it was.

As the mare began to talk to her. She pinned her thorns at once giving her the feeling of rejection. As she new the mare felt it when she backed down off her pedestal. " Leave Bandit you don't belong in these lands". Bandit rolled her pools at the sound of this weak mare. She snorted and bared her jaw at her. " I will stand and run where i care to do so. ". A loud growl crossed through her teeth. She wasn't in the mood.

Other: none

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[`` OWNER]

Pending.

First, we would prefer that your account name is the name of the character you are role-playing.

Please elaborate a bit more in her personality. I see no negatives as far as her build; whether she is slow, has low stamina, can't make quick turns easily etc. Especially with War Horses, we cannot have any 'perfect' characters. What does 'clean limbs' means anyhow?

Elaboration on her personality is needed as well. Is your mare stupid or does her sympathy for other horses she considers stupid make her weak? Will her desire for sex and power make her do anything for it? Is she looking for love?

'Well built' is not a personality trait either; that's an appearance trait, which you have already mentioned as well.

How is she wise? How does she deem herself as wise? Is she just arrogant so she thinks she is all knowing, or do other horses actually think she is wise because she really is smart? Very subjective.

Also, no horse is fearless; everyone has fears whether they want to admit it or not. Either say she has few fears, or name off the one or two fears she has. Again, no perfect characters. Even a War Horse has problems.

You have a lot of problems with your sample post. You have a lot of run on sentences where commas, semi-colons and dashes are needed; even periods. Then you have sentences that have that are fragmented because of misplaced periods. You also don't use the right words in context - for example you used 'new' when you should have used 'knew.'

Now she was one of the best fighters that she new that was a mare - that's subjective, and there for should not be apart of role-playing. You can say that she considers herself a strong mare, but not that she is. This is a very good example of bunnying; making your character seem better by degrading other characters.

The whole thing about another mare coming up behind her, seeing other horses and talking to a mare is power-playing/god-moding. Unless there is actually another horse there role-playing with you, you can only hint to the presence of another. 'She thought she sensed another mare around her and kicked instinctively.'

So elaborate on both your personality and appearance, add some negative aspects of her appearance (as well as remove 'well built' from her personality') and do some serious damage control on your post. Don't bunny, power-play or god-mode, and don't include anything that is subjective either.

[`` OWNER]

You have until November 19, 2009 to finish/edit your application.